so, I think...

that I might just stop posting in my xanga and myspace.  because I keep getting hacked and it's really annoying when you're trying to meet new people and take your ex girl friends advice to "get over her" when she keeps hacking into your account and ruining any chance you have of moving on.

Let's face it, I'm not the brightest, or tallest, or strongest, or handsome guy around...so I've learned not to expect too much out of anything, and well dating is included in that.  I've learned, after my last relationship, to never put so much of myself into a relationship because I'll just end up getting hurt...

I just want to move on.  After all anything I date right now will just be another "high school relationship" and won't really matter anyways will it?  So why shouldn't I just date whomever I want?  It's not like high school relationships last...it's not like I'll ever find love again anyways?  so what's the point?

WTF!?

So I thought everything was cool between me and Janessa, she showed up to hang out with me yesterday(which was weird considering the fact that she said she never wanted to see me again), and we kinda talked online last night.  Then I check my messages on myspace today, and what do I see?  I message where she is yelling at me and accusing me of making her out to be some horrible person.  Ok....when have I said anything but "I love that girl."? 

It's not my fault that she doesn't want to be with me.  I want to be with her.  But since she doesn't want me, I have been talking to other girls as friends, and they have been flirting with me...despite me efforts to make them stop.  She took me off of her top 8...and for some reason, I can't manage to take her off of my number one spot or take off this stupid fucking bracelet.  I mean, she's obviously tkaing steps to forget about me...taking me off of her top friends, yelling at me, accusing me of shit, but I can't...idk what's going on with her, but I don't understand anything anymore.

I'm sorry that she doesn't want to be with me, she has no fucking clue how much I miss her and still love her...but I can't fucking dwell on her if she doesn't want me.  I have to at least try to move on, or else I'll just become another Josh, and that thought scares me.  So I'm sorry, but I've got to move on...or at least I've got to try.

Currently Listening The Dresden Dolls By The Dresden Dolls Truce see related

So, I'm the Biggest Liar I Know

I've been telling everyone that I'm over her, but I'm not quite yet.  I still think about her when my mind wanders and despite my best efforts, I can't forget her, or even take this damn bracelet off.  i've been talking to some old friends though, one's who I'd lost touch with when I started dating Janessa.  They're nice...a lot of them are hitting on me, but I don't really want them to right now...I just want to hang with them.

I need to stop lying....

Currently Listening City of Evil By Avenged Sevenfold Bat Country see related

The Bracelet...

So a while back, when me and Janessa started dating again, she put this bracelet on me because the little A.W.'s(at that time called the Emo's) kept hitting on me.  I was like: "What's that supposed to mean?"  "hahaha...mine."  And it's been there ever since.  It's impossable to take off without braking it...so I've been showering and everything with this thing on.  And the other day I broke up with her...out of complete and total ignorance.  I thought she was thinking about getting back with her ex and couldn't stand the thought.   So today...I hung out with Nessa again...as friends.  I hugged her a few times while we were kidding around, and I had to fight the urge to kiss her or tell her that I love her(I still do, I just promised myself that I wouldn't tell anyone I loved them, unless it were her and she said it first).

And then at some point she ended up yelling at me...and I tried to run into the bathroom and lock her out despite her telling me not to.  But she followed me and wouldn't let me close the door.  And then I started crying...and she wouldn't let me cover my face or look away.  I'm not mad that she made me look at her while I cried, but I am mad at myself for crying.  It reminds me of my own humanity and I don't like doing it in front of people...I love that girl, and that's why I cried...because of the feelings that I've been forced to bottle up and because of the way so many girls keep hitting on me now that they know I'm single and no one seems to understand that "I'm not ready," means to back off. 

But back to the bracelet...I've yet to take it off.  And I decided today that until I completely give up hope that she's still in love with me too, that I will not take it off...So until the day that I completely give up...I will wear this bracelet...

Currently Listening The Used By The Used Lunacy Fringe see related

how did i know this was going to happen?

stupid fucking cunt!

i'm going back to max's.  i knew this was going to happen.  the fucking instant that my brother left this bitch is on a fucking power trip and telling me all these new fucking rules. and in light of what might be the biggest heart break in my life, I ask her: "please leave me alone, I'm not in a good mood right now."  and what does she do?  she just talks over me like she always fucking does and yells at me.  "i don't care if you're in a bad mood or not."  i fucking hate her.  if i had it my way right now, i'd burn this fucking house down.

i've decided to be an athiest.  because god can't exist, and i'm living proof of that.

why does so much bad shit have to happen all at once?  i might lose the love of my life, i'm thinking about moving out again, and to top it off, i have a headache...fuck.